Love letter to myself
I saw you struggle through your life, making the hard decisions. I understand you did the best you could in the past with parenting and relationships. You were not the only one in those situations to parent and lead the way. You tried to see the best in others and give them the benefit of the doubt. To be as present as you could be. The unconsciousness of your daily life took over every day. It was all you could do to just survive and get you through each day. Please do not feel guilt for the choices you made. Your intentions were solely with pure intentions. You may have loved to much, but that is not a bad thing. For Love and kindness are the greatest gifts anyone can give and receive. You hoped for the best of situations, or people but everything was out of your control.
Forgive yourself for holding on, when you needed to let go. Forgive yourself for allowing someone’s energy for taking over yours. Forgive yourself for losing yourself while giving too much to others. Forgive yourself for the investments in others or in work. Forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, you can now do it now that you know better. Time is only lost to experience and lessons you many have never learned. Take the time to appreciate your life now and make each moment count.
All the lessons you have had have made you the person you are today. Although you feel regretful, and resentful it is time to let it go. Release the past and keep moving forward. You are on the right path now. Your truth will set you free, when you learn to surrender to your past, so you can now learn to move forward with ease. Let go of everything that was, or how you wanted it to be. Life changes and so do you. The journey is not everything we want it to be but rather everything it is meant to be.
You are enough and you will always be. You are beautiful, caring, loving and pure. Keep being you and the people that are meant to be in your life will always find their way to you.
Your best self.
How do you show up? Are you different in one group vs another? Who are you on your own vs with others ?
People will judge you no matter what you say or do. Most times they are giving judgement based on the only parts of you that they see, or upon their own values and beliefs. We never show anyone all of who we are, therefore we are different with everyone.
So when you find that you are feeling fear based on others peoples opinions remember two things:
You do not need validation from others, you are enough exactly as you are. Everyone has two needs
The less we judge others, the less we judge ourselves and vice versa. Let go of perfection, and appreciate your imperfections, they are beautiful and belong only to you.
Be present, live with purpose and love yourself priceless.
Divorce your story and Marry the truth
We all have a story that has defined our past,
We all have a story we can be the victim of,
We all have a story that we are the hero in
We all have a story we no longer identify with.
The truth is you are only as good as the story you keep replaying in your head.
The truth is you are only keeping yourself stuck by allowing those stories to label or define you.
The truth is there is more to you then any story from your past.
The truth is you define your own limitations and beliefs.
The truth is we all go through pain and suffering at some point.
The truth is you can write a new chapter in your story any moment you want to.
The truth is you are the only one in charge of your state, emotions and the meaning in your life.
The truth is you have more power than you believe to change your life.
The truth is you are in control.
Now is the time to write a new truth and a new story.
I am sure there are plenty more.... but this is my complied list through my years.
We have all overlooked them at some point of our life and go t to the end and wondered what happened.
-Belittling, gas lighting and manipulative
-Hiding booze, or giving excuse for drinking
-Being behind on their rent or bills
-Hiding messages or dismissing questions
-Not apologizing, or apologizes and doesn’t change
-Blaming or projection of a situation
-Many break ups and back together relationship between you
-Jealousy of kids, (own or partners), or friends
-They are less mature than their age most of the time
-Inability to take care of themselves as an adult
-Makes you feel like an option rather than a priority
-When you doubt your own sanity or worth
-You get emotional or crying more than happy
-Fearful in leaving,
-They make you feel guilty
-Try to make them happy more than you make yourself happy
-You feel as though your world revolves around them
-When someone feels you are too strong, too emotional, too happy, too much of anything
-When we catch ourselves saying “s/he’s not like that” or “but when we are alone”
-Catch yourself making excuses for the other person or their behavior
-Dismissive of their bad qualities because of the good qualities or potential qualities
I am sure there is many more, and sometimes our friends can see the red flags better than we can. Try to ask a friend to tell you more. The truth is we overlook our values to meet our needs of love and connection, variety and certainty. Three of the most important conversations you need to have in a relationship:
Most of these red flags we have been accustomed to by watching others dismiss them as unimportant or the idea that every relationship needs work or is not perfect. Therefore, most of these patterns are a form of learned helplessness. You do not figure the other person will or want to change so you create an intolerable acceptance that goes against your values. You begin to enable their behavior and it allows them to continue while you become increasingly more unhappy or living in a place of discomfort.
Never accept less than you deserve. If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
What was the most challenging relationship you had?
I fell in love with the most amazing guy I had ever met, we had chemistry and commonality in all the things we loved to do. I thought he was the love of my life, and he was my best friend.
As time went by I noticed both of us changing. Everything had felt like it shifted overnight. It hadn’t, but for me it was a gradual process of unlocking the the truth.
I missed the signs, I missed the red flags. Both in him, and myself.
The ones that told me he was an alcoholic and that began triggering a lot of emotional relapse for me.
I felt like I was living in chaos for years that I tried to control and couldn’t. The more I needed control the more I lost it. I had become so codependent trying to keep the peace and thinking it was my job to fix everything and everyone. I lost myself in the process of trying to do it all, and hide it to everyone on the surface about how dysfunctional my home life was.
He was a god man that suffered from addiction, but I was enabling him and not taking responsibility for my part of our relationship. After all I thought to myself “ he’s the one with the addiction “.
Codependent behaviors are just as much of an addiction. But you lose yourself trying to control others behaviors, reactions and emotions.
This is not a healthy relationship for either person.
So how do you know you are codependent?
If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction do you:
Track your loved one’s location most of the time?
Look for liquor or beer bottles?
Mark their bottles to see how much they have been drinking?
Text them when you think they are up to no good?
Lecture them when they come home late?
Nag them about chores or responsibilities?
Micromanage their schedule?
Feel anxious if you don’t know where they are or how much they have had to drink?
Get other people to talk them into getting sober?
Research helpful resources about sobriety and send them links or bring up your findings with the intention of convincing them they need help?
Try your best to meet their every need so they won’t drink or use drugs?
Exhaust yourself with the expectation that everything needs to be perfect?
Love them so hard that letting them go seems so unbearable that you hold on even tighter?
End up in a rage because everything you’ve tried isn’t working?
Being in a relationship with someone that was an alcoholic was the hardest part of my life, but it also brought me to the best part of my life.
I had to learn Boundaries, Responsibility to myself , understanding of my own values, and letting go of the ego that wanted to control and enable just to keep the peace.
My own discovery of healing and recovery was transformational. It healed my relationship with my children, my ex-partner and I are friends, and my life is happier than it has ever been.
Sometimes things fall apart so you can have a better more fulfilling life. Take the lessons and grow from it. Create acceptance for what was, and the other person.
Give yourself grace and compassion and know you are not alone. I am here for you.
Codependency is not just about addiction but the need to make others happy and control their actions or decisions.
If this sounds like your life... I want to help you have a better life. You can heal with recovery through discovery.
Join me in a 6 week program of learning tools and understanding of how to recognize and change your behaviors. You will regain your happiness, and be able to set healthy boundaries. You get to take your power back and reclaim your life.
Are you ready to transform your life?
Candace Grant holds a certificate in Neuro- Linguistic Programming and a certificate from Robbins Madanes Training for Coaching. Candace has had many years of wellness courses and has been on a path of shifting perspectives for the past 6 years. As a massage therapist for 25 years she understands the connection between the body and the mindset.